Talk:One Piece of Music Film: Star-Crossed Fists/Original Publish/@comment-24676431-20141104190942
Ok, first off. I do like your characters. Their antics and dialouge makes it feel like they're alive as I like characters who are witty. I really enjoy Thoosa's actions and her reactions to anything and I actually like the antagonists. The villains are very unique. Good Job on that. I also like how you wrote about 2 main protagonists and somehow they merged into another as the story goes on. The issue for me is that suddenly many people showed up at once at the fight, confusing me as they were not mentioned earlier in the cafe. It's like they came out of nowhere. Were they at the cafe already or came when they heard about the commotion? The fights are vibrant and exciting to read. The attacks and effects they had on each other and the environment. I can just picture it easily. So much going on which is good but at the same, chaotic as I said before, so many characters just appeared out of nowhere. Now to get nitpicky. One thing I don't get is Axis and Allied kept saying Gan Fall. Do they know Gan Fall? Also, why doesn't Ibrahim carry his den den mushi with him wherever he goes? I understand that returning to the ship serves a plotpoint though. And, how does Thoosa not know John's name before they got to the Cafe? I figured they would have at least talked on the way there and how did they start to have a relationship like they are lifetime friends already? And what was the point of El's appearance? I do like him, dont get me wrong but doesn't seem to contribute to the story that much. Sure it reveals something about Ibrahim's past but nothing revelant to the plot. I do wonder about the unconcious people from the fight. What happened to them. Now for the positive aspects.I do like the twist at the end as everything was resolved without fighting despite of the fact, they were fighting this whole time. It was hilarious of how the soldiers reacted. Ways Other than Violence A Loss So Great Betrayal You intergrated these themes well into the story except for the A loss so great '''as it was barely mentioned in the story. It's true that I feel sorry for Axis but I wish we see more of his mentality or signs of his distress regarding his loss. '''I read all of it but it's a bit long for the contest but it was written very well. I did not factor in the introduction as I don't believe they should be part of the short story. I like the narration as it sometimes make things more dramatic to the reader like how the narrator was talking about Ibrahim having friends. As I said before, I do like the ending. It was refreshing and the conflict was resolved very well. Sadly, I don't really see any character development and background other than the villains. I didn't see much growth from them. Maybe Ibrahim but his development was starting. Also, while I did say the characters were alive to me, I can't really understand them as a character like what's Thoosa's reason to save the prince? Sure we know why she wants to but it wasn't explained in depth. While thoosa is one of the main characters, I feel like the spotlight is not on her at times during the fight. The side characters take so much room which kinda annoys me as I want to know what happens to Thoosa. But overall, this story is exciting and kept me reading despite the chaos. It's interesting.